How Quickly Things Can Change

Seasons change, feelings change

It’s been so long since I found you

Yet it seems like yesterday

Seasons change, people change.

Lyrics from the song “Seasons Change” by Expose’

How true is that portion of the chorus from the song?  Have you ever really sat down and thought about or contemplated how quickly things can and do change?  Have you ever not notice a change until after it has happened, even though you may have been dreading it?  Of course not all change is the same, sometimes it can be a very slow process, sometimes fast as lightning and you don’t know what happened.  Sometimes you as a person change without ever knowing it. 

It’s been a while since I did a post about a song lyric, which if you’ll recall is what I said I would probably normally do my posts on.  That obviously didn’t last too long, however I have not abandoned the idea altogether, it’s just been on hold while I get some other stuff posted.  While I love finding meanings in songs and their lyrics, I have also found that they are not all that inspires me.  Lots of things inspire me and they keep changing all the time!  Trust me there will be more posts on songs as I go, but I originally used that idea to launch my blog and thought it would be a good starting place, which it was.  Now I am more confident in “blogging” to write about random things that do not come from a song.  This is an improvement!

Now I will admit that some of the posts were done when emotions were running high and rampant.  Like all things, the feelings changed once I had a chance to look back on them and the event(s) that caused them.  It’s the knee-jerk reaction, sometimes things just happen without too much thought.  I am sure that most people have a story, or many of times when they have reacted without being able to think about what they were reacting to.  I’m sure you’ve been told before, but sometimes it really does help to think about what you are going to say and make sure you have all the facts before you act on your emotions.  I have a perfect example of this!

It was my wedding day, things had gone relatively smoothly, except for forgetting the marriage license at my mom’s house, but that was the extent of mishaps.  We were partying our way into the night when all of a sudden I saw a couple come in the door whom I did not recognize and upon seeing them I basically started to freak out that some random people were crashing my wedding reception!  Things were changing and not for the better as I was concerned.  I darted immediately for my mom to ask her if she recognized the people, having a little bit of forethought.  When she didn’t know them and was surprised that I didn’t know them, I told her I needed a couple of my cousins to remove some people for me.  I know full well that all I would have had to do was say the word and they would have removed any unwanted guests without flinching.  Lucky for the couple, at that point my brand new husband came over because i looked upset, when I explained what was going on and what I was doing about it, he kindly asked me to “call off the hounds” as he did know the couple and had told them they could stop by.  At this point I was probably more embarassed than anything, and I am sure it was awkward when he introduced us, as I felt like I had “I almost had my cousins kick you out” written on my face.  All in all it would have been much better if I had stopped to think and get the facts before I reacted.

That is only one story that I can think of right now off because I told that story this past weekend to some friends.  I know there have been other times when I have not reacted as I should have, especially when it involved a change to things.  We live in a world that changes more often than not and if we don’t accept that, you will not prosper in it.  It’s one thing to have things change when we are ready and/or expecting them to.  It’s a whole other game when things change and you are not ready for it or even remotely expecting it.  It can be a good idea to write when emotions are high as it could be a really good thing, but you also have to accept that it might be a really bad thing too.

Is it a good idea to be ready for change all the time?  Yes I think it is, but with how unpredictable things are, it’s not a good idea to force change.  When change is forced upon someone or a group of people,  you run the risk of it blowing up in your face.  I’ve seen this happen, it’s happened to me.  I believe that you need to be ready to accept change in the event that it happens, but also be willing to keep things the way they are if change doesn’t come.  Things happen for a reason and if something in your life needs to be changed, it will change and usually for the better.  It’s when you force change that things can have negative results.  It’s best to just let things happen on their own in their own time, you’ll realize that it happens without much help from you and usually whether you want it to or not.  Try to stay positive and the changes should be good!

 

With A Goal In Sight

For the first time in I don’t know how long, if ever, I actually have a goal that I am working towards and actually have high hopes of accomplishing it!  I honestly don’t know if I have ever set a goal like this and actually believed I would be able to get it done.  I have flippantly set goals and never really followed through on any of them, I never had the confidence that I’d actually get to them.  This time is different, I don’t know why but it feels different.

I can’t believe I am going to admit this here but, I feel like I have to in order to have people understand where I am coming from.  I have been overweight pretty much most of my life.  In Jr. High my mom tried helping me lose a few pounds and it worked for a while, but when I got grounded from going to a school dance because I didn’t lose 5 pounds in a week by my father, I pretty much gave up.  I still tried but I didn’t have the desire anymore.  I have tried other things, other diets over the years and between the things I felt I was giving up and still not having the complete desire to do it, I failed at several attempts.  Three years ago I tried hypnosis to do it and ended up wasting an exorbitant amount of money on it, which I now regret. 

I have been seeing a psychologist for the last 4 years or so and 2 years ago we started to focus on my weight.  He threw a few suggestions at me to try and I did.  I have to admit they were simple and easy to stick to.  It seemed to work, I lost 22 pounds in about 6 months.  I was ecstatic, it had been a long time since I had any success like that, however the success didn’t last long as I started slacking on things and eventually gained half of that 22 pounds back.  It was time to re-focus.

I joined a gym at the end of December last year in an attempt to re-vamp my weight loss goal.  I got back on track with the original plan that had worked before and was now ready to see major results.  Well the results weren’t major, they were almost non-existent.  It was explained to me that I needed to re-focus yet again, but I wasn’t too far off the path at this point.  I needed to have a goal to work towards, something that would make all the time and energy in losing weight worth it.  A Triathlon was suggested, while I didn’t know lots of details, I agreed and even looked them up on line, found one that I thought was reasonable to do and started from there.  However no matter how I tried, I could never get that excited about the triathlon.  I love swimming, but I do not swim like I would need to in order to compete in something like that, I like riding my bike, but was skeptical about doing that along with the swimming and running.  I just plain hate running, always has and probably always will.  That was one part of it I was having trouble getting past.

This coupled with the whole foot injury and setback was not getting me towards my goal.  I decided to do some research online and see what else I found that was just swimming or biking or a combo of both.  I couldn’t find a combo but I did find several bike-a-thons in the near vicinity.  I thought about it for a day and did some more research to find some in the area that were attainable.  Most I had found were happening within a few weeks or month of when I found them; I was in and still am not in any shape to do one yet.  However after searching, I found one in August that made me almost giddy with excitement.  It has a choice of 20 miles, 43 miles or 60 miles.  I already have decided that I am going to aim for the 43 or 63.  I have already worked out a game plan, that I am sure I will revise several times but I am learning that it’s ok to re-organize and re-focus things, especially goals.  If all goes well, I will be pedaling my heart out on Sunday August 10th in Dekalb IL and for the first time, achieving a goal I set for myself. 

Someone once told me that in order to help hold myself accountable, that I needed to tell as many people as I can.  If I tell them, not only will I get their support, I can only hope, but I will also stick to the path towards the goal so that I don’t let everyone down.  Of course the one person I am most worried about letting down is myself, which is why I have worked out a reward for myself if I complete the bike-a-thon, a reward that I hope keeps me focused!!  So not only am I going to be telling my friends and family about doing this bike-a-thon, I have just told anyone and everyone in the world of blogging!!  Hopefully it will give me the kick in the pants I need to stick to and accomplish this goal this time!  This time, this goal is different than any other goal I’ve set before, they were usually half-hearted, and this one has my whole heart in it and is actually giving me confidence already!  So hopefully I will be able to give good updates every once in a while on here so people can track my progress if they want!  I’ll take ANY support I can get!!

Not So Random This Time!

I will admit it; I have been a big chicken this week.  Yep that’s right I have been afraid to write, especially here.  After my last post on Sunday, when words just came tumbling out of me like a waterfall, and they weren’t the greatest in the world I got scared.  I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to control myself and it wouldn’t be a good thing.  It may have taken me five days but I think I have a handle on myself and my emotions, at least a better handle than I had on Sunday. 

I don’t think that has ever happened to me before!  I have always wanted to write, sometimes I couldn’t think of anything to write but the desire was always there.  This time, the desire seemed to have vanished and I was a little worried that it wouldn’t come back.  I have to say, I wasn’t in the best place in the world when I wrote that last post, but I know in my heart that I needed to write it.  I also know that I have the need to write more, but I’m just not ready to yet.  Before I write like that again I will need to do some serious preparing so that I keep control, or rather so that I HAVE control, unlike last time! 

I do not like that feeling, you know what feeling I mean.  It’s the being afraid of not only failing, but failing miserably.  That is almost what I felt after publishing that post.  This whole new world of Blogs is a little intimidating, especially when I read other posts by other bloggers.  Some of the ones I have found write really good stuff!  I get so jealous when I read their posts and when I see how many comments they have on them.  I want that, I just don’t know how to get it.  This does not mean that I am giving up at all.  I plan on plugging away and putting new posts out as often as I can and learning as much as I can about the whole blog world.  I just need to focus a little more on it than maybe I have been.  I promise to keep at it, as long as my fingers hold out!! 

randomness

I am inspired to write today however I do not know how all this will come across, but I have to write it, maybe I’ll find some answers, maybe I won’t, all I know is that I feel a need in me to get this out.  It may come out as a really bad poem, or just a bunch of rambling, but you have been forewarned.  I make no guarantees of this making sense, especially if I don’t know if it will make sense to me, but here goes…

I’ve been caught staring off into space

I think my heart is broken into a million pieces

As I write this, the tears start to flow.

I have no idea what in the world to do.

I don’t know if I should even stick around.

I feel as though I am at a point in my life,

There are so many things I am terrified about.

I need somewhere to find the answers.

I can’t bear this hurt anymore, I’m about to crack.

I see dark clouds coming my way but can’t run.

What goes around comes around I believe.

Things that have happened before are coming

I can’t stop them, no one really can

The vicious cycle of life is out of anyone’s hands.

We just have to sit back and take what’s given

Too many things come flying at you quickly

It’s hard to make a definite prognosis yet

Do I follow my heart, if so which piece?

I am more confused right now more than ever.

The dark side is calling, extremely loudly.

I hate the other side of life, it sucks

Things are all turned upside down

Everything is wrong, sad and evil.

You can’t escape from it anyway

It has a strong hold on you, forever.

Why do tears hide so often?

Wouldn’t it help to cry? Yes

Why can’t I help myself?

Do I even know how? Yes

What am I going to do?

Things have to change and quickly or else.

I’ve been down this road before, sort of

Part of the road is familiar while most is unknown

The familiar isn’t even comforting at all.

This is a scary journey and I’m all alone.

If people are supporting me, I can’t see them

They hide like the stars during the day

My nights are not what they should be

The stars don’t come out anymore

They can’t break through the storming clouds

I’m scared, terrified, afraid, nervous, anxious.

Emotions are over flowing with no real exit

Bottled up for so long they wait to be free

Things are changing and I can’t make sense.

Sad, confused, unsettled, alone, miserable.

Keeping things hidden is what I’m good at

No one really knows the extent of it

I’ve tried to tell people, it hurts so much

The breaking point is so close to taste

Someday may be too late.

Inspiration, The Right Path & Falling Down

Tonight I have read some interesting posts in the blogging world.  Some made me think, some made me happy, some made me intrigued.  All in all it was an interesting journey I took tonight.  It’s been an interesting journey that I have been on for the last few years and I can only see it getting more so. 

Last night I was out with some friends at a local bar doing one of my most favorite things to do; Line Dance!!  I haven’t been able to go out, or dance in almost two months so I was really looking forward to it!  I had been officially cleared to resume normal activities by my doctor after the whole foot thing so I was in rare form and chomping at the bit to dance.  I believe I was so looking forward to it, that I may have been too full of myself.  I managed to accomplish something that I have never done before while line dancing; I fell!  Yep, I was looking at the ceiling from the floor!  I was doing a dance I have probably done a hundred times and decided to add what I call flair to it and tripped over my own feet!  I don’t mind telling you that I felt like a total and complete moron.  I have fallen during a really fast couples dance when goofing off, but NEVER during a line dance.  Boy was I knocked off my high horse in an instant and realized suddenly realized that it only took about two seconds for me to go from feeling pretty good to having some pretty heavily damaged pride on my hands.  I am fine, except for the sore back and arm, but such is life.

Fortunately my pride will recover without too much detrimental damage.  It did however make me stop and think about some things going on in my life.  I thought about a poem by Robert Frost today, The Road Not Taken to be precise.  I have often wondered myself which path to take, which one was right, which was wrong.  Is there every really a right or wrong path?  Of course I am scared to take the wrong path, however I am also scared to take the right path sometimes too.  I wish I had a crystal ball to give me some insight on how things would be should I choose to do something a certain way. 

I am planning on doing a bike-a-thon in August and right now I am gung-ho on getting started training for it.  I wish I could look into the future and see if what I am planning on doing is going to actually work this time.  We can’t always get what we want, but I’d like to know if my will power and determination are going to keep up with me this time or if I will yet again change my mind or put this new goal to the wayside to be forgotten about.  Right now there are a few other things I’d like some answers on, but I don’t even know how to begin to ask the questions that need answers.  I need to spend some time searching my soul and see what I come up with, then maybe I can answer those questions and get myself on the path I need to be on, whether it is right or wrong.  Of course the questions I need to ask, scare me to death and I need to work on the courage to really ask them in order to get answers.  I am at a point in my life that I think I am ready for and on the brink of a major change in my life; I just don’t yet know what it is; if that makes any sense at all.

I don’t know if everyone knows this or not, but did you know that if you need to be inspired, you usually don’t have to go looking very far??  I have yet again learned this one the hard way.  I was thinking that I needed to post another entry on here but had no ideas on what to do it on.  After a few visits to some blogs that have proven in the past to be pretty inspirational I was ready to write in no time.  Although it is proving to be somewhat difficult due to the sore arm and wrist from the aforementioned fall, I am pressing on because I have felt the need to finish this one.  I know that in the coming months, this will probably be a kind of mental release for me as I search for my path that destiny or fate has laid out for me.  This could be the most difficult journey I’ve ever had to face, and I’ve already had a doozy, but I think I am really ready to explore my options.  I now know that I will need to do some serious soul searching to find these answers but I believe I am finally ready to embrace them and get to the bottom of my conundrum.  I only pray that I have the support I need when the time comes to act on the findings.

Time To Get Moving… Again!

It’s a little hard to believe today, but I am actually excited about going to the gym.  I joined at the end of last year in effort to lose weight, which I am in need of doing for health reasons.  I started off with gusto and was quite proud of my efforts, despite my sometimes lack of motivation!  I’d even manage to make myself go on the days I was tired or could come up with some other excuse not to go.  I kept up with it for 3 months, going at least 3 times a week, sometimes more.  Then I hit a speed bump!

For some unknown reason my foot started to hurt, I thought nothing of it at first and continued to go at my normal pace.  However after two weeks of this, I decided it was time to do something about it.  I spent 3 hours at the acute care center waiting to be seen by a doctor.  A couple of people I talked to, had said it may be a stress fracture, which I may have gotten by running on the treadmill.  After the preliminary x-rays came back, there were no visible fractures and I was sent on my merry way, with the stipulation to stay off it for a few days and then follow up with my doctor. 

Five days on crutches pretty much sucked but I dealt with it and after the torture was over my foot actually did feel better.  I was told that I still had to take it easy and that I had to back off at the gym.  So far I hadn’t been in a week and it didn’t look like I’d be able to go back for a little while longer.  I was told that I had to hold off for another week, then I could go back but the only cardio I could do was the recumbent bicycle and not for very long.  For someone who is usually on the elliptical for 45 minutes, this was a major blow to my routine.  I couldn’t do half the weights I normally did because they would affect my foot. 

I tried to go back to the gym and stick to the bike, which got boring in ten minutes!  However after a few days on the recumbent like I was supposed to, I started working my way back to the elliptical.  First I did the regular bike for 10 minutes a couple of days and finally I tried, for only ten minutes, the elliptical, I felt fine so did it for 10 minutes the next.  Things were looking up, time for my follow up appointment.

I had to go back for a follow up at one month.  When my doctor started pushing on the bottom of my foot, it hurt more than it had the first time I was there!  She suggested that I go get it x-rayed again just to make sure it hadn’t really been a stress fracture that didn’t show up right away.  My hopes of being cleared back to the gym were dashed!  I went for the x-ray a few days later.  The day after the x-ray I was told that there still were no fractures, but it was now known what was wrong!  I have arthritis in the first joint of my left foot. 

So with not much that they can do for the arthritis, except take some ibuprofen or the like, I am able to resume everything I was doing before it started hurting.  A friend said to me that I would have to take it easy and not dance so hard when I go line dancing, another passion of mine; I told him that was not the case.  I can dance as hard as I want to, I just can’t complain anymore when my foot hurts! 

So today is my first day going back to the gym to resume a normal workout routine!  It’s coming at a good time too; I have decided that I am going to do a bike-a-thon this summer!  I will start training at the gym by getting myself back to where I was almost 2 months ago and then I will start riding my bike and see how far I can go.  I have some choices on mileage for the bike-a-thon so I will have to see what I can do and how far I think I can go!  All in all it looks like it could be an interesting summer!  I can’t wait!

Happy Days

Ain’t nothin gonna break my stride

Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh-no

I got to keep on movin’

Ain’t nothin gonna break my stride

I’m running and I won’t touch ground

Oh-no, I got to keep on movin’

Lyrics to Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder

I don’t know what it is, but I have been in a really good mood the past two days!!  Maybe it’s the weather, I’m not sure but whatever it is I hope it sticks around!  I like being in a good mood like this!  Hopefully my cheery disposition helps others to be happier! 

Normally I am not a “morning” person.  I would rather sleep late and stay up longer than get up early!  Mornings have never been my strong suit, unless I have to get up!  I noticed this good mood yesterday when I got to work and walked into the accounting office to make copies and I said hi to the girls at their desks.  Carol mentioned that I was in a rather cheery mood.  I owned up to not knowing why, but it didn’t really matter!

There hasn’t been anything in particular that I can pinpoint that caused this “elation” but possibly the weather.  We have finally had spring like weather the last two days.  The sun has been out and it has just been gorgeous!  I hope that everyone can experience a day or two like this, as it is really an awesome feeling!  I just hope it carries with me into tonight’s audition for the next show I’m doing!  There are only three female parts so I am hoping I bring my A-game to the readings!

Wish me luck and I hope you all have a good day too!!

 

Remember, remember, remember…

A creative writing teacher told me something that has stuck in my brain and I can’t shake loose!  When you feel as though you can’t think of something to write or don’t know what to write, start by writing the word remember 3 times.  Of course the class thought she may have dove off the deep end with that one, but we each tried it at some point throughout the semester and by golly, it works!! 

Supposedly if you start this way, something will eventually pop into your head to write about.  I have done this a few times and have had pretty good success with it!  Those journal entries were usually the best ones and the most meaningful.  It was strange how just writing one word three times would pull things out of you that you may have long forgotten about.  Let’s see what happens.

Remember, remember, remember.  I remember when I was on my way to the first day of fifth grade and I was eager to meet up with my best friend at the time, Stacie.  We hadn’t played together a lot over the summer and so I didn’t know what teacher she would have that year.  This was very important to me because we had been in the same class together every year since pre-school.  I remember walking across the playground with my pink bag stuffed to the brim with brand new school supplies.  When I finally saw Stacie I ran over and asked, with much anticipation, who her teacher was.  She said, Mrs. Carlson and was very excited about it.  I was crushed, sad and so angry that I slammed my brand new bag full of those brand new supplies on the ground.  I had Mrs. Temby, this was not going to be a good year, and I would have to endure it without my best friend sitting next to me. 

It’s almost funny that I chose to remember that particular story right now.  Apparently back then I didn’t like change either!  Things are always changing and I’d like to think that I handle change pretty well.  Of course there are times when things do not go the way I planned and I get upset.  People don’t always understand why I get upset; sometimes I don’t even understand why I’m upset it just sort of happens.  Of course it’s not good when I get upset because I have a tendency to fill with rage and get to the point where I just want to pummel something! 

I know in my head that getting physically violent is not the answer but at the point when it happens, I have to try sooooooo hard to control it, that it scares me!  I have put holes in walls before from hitting or rather kicking with force!  It’s almost like a blind rage that I cannot control.  It usually only lasts a minute or two and then I calm down.  I always feel terrible for what I did, and usually hurt myself when I do it.  I wish I could control these outbursts better but sometimes things make me so angry that it’s just a knee-jerk kind of response, without much thinking involved. 

This leads me to a thought that maybe I need to find a good way to de-stress sometimes.  When these incidences occur, it’s usually because I have been stressed about something and it seems like it has blown up in my face!  I want to find the time to de-stress, I need to find some time for just myself, but that is not always easy either.  Actually what has been a little bit of relief is this blog.  Writing has always helped me relieve a little stress but it’s not a cure-all.  I need to be taught what to do to really relax on my own.

White Hair and Black Nails

Well it has been a very busy week and boy am I glad it’s over!  Not that I didn’t enjoy myself immensely, but good things must come to an end.  I have just completed work on the Kirk Players production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs by Jesse Braham White.  I played the Peddlar Woman and it was so much fun!

The Kirk Players are a community theater group that put on 4 shows a year, one being a children’s show.  They have been putting on shows for 42 years now and have no desire to stop anytime soon!  The shows we do are always wonderful!  I wouldn’t give up working on these shows for anything.

This weekend was nothing short of spectacular!  The fairy tale was not the typical version most people know by Walt Disney.  This tale was based on the Brother’s Grimm story and was slightly different.  The story centered on Snow White and her step-mother Queen Brangomar, rather than the Seven Dwarfs.  The conflict in the story was truly about good versus evil.  This version had not only a queen but a witch as well, which is different from the movie in which the queen was the witch. 

Production week started 8 days ago when we moved into the theater and began building the set, it seems like it was only yesterday when I was being asked to play the part of the peddlar woman.  This was actually not a different part in the show, but rather was who the Queen was supposed to turn in to and kill Snow White.  However a 2 second costume change would be rather difficult and so an extra part was added!  Who doesn’t like playing a cackling evil queen in disguise?  I knew it was going to be fun and it was a blast!

Alas, the show is over, the set has been taken down, the parties are over and it’s back to a normal schedule again.  No having to be at rehearsal every night, no more painted black fingernails, no more of that nasty white hairspray in my hair, that took 3 washes to get out and no more icky make-up to make me look old!  Would I do it again?  Of course, that’s what I love about theater!  I love taking on a new character and making it my own. 

Now if only everyone knew about the forbidden things to do backstage to avoid cursing the show!!!

Crazy Talk

“But we’re never gonna survive, unless…

We get a little crazy

Lyrics from the song Crazy by Seal

There are so many times in my life that I can relate to this statement.  All of us probably have stories that are similar.  There are so many times that it seems like the only thing to do is go crazy.  This can be a good thing or a bad thing and I do think it has something to do with our survival.  Not everyone can be totally straight laced all the time, can they?

I try to lead a fairly level-headed life.  It’s a busy life, but I try to keep it as real as possible.  I also try and keep my projects as organized as possible, it doesn’t always work and things do get a little crazy at times, but just when I am about to give up and go look for a rock to hide under, things suddenly start to fall in place again and when all is said and done, I know there was a lesson that I learned and can apply next time!  Each time things get less and less crazy and more and more organized.

Of course that is only one type of crazy that can happen to a person.  Another type that has happened to me is when I decide to really let loose and have some fun doing something I may not ordinarily do.  There are times I can get really loopy, drinking is not always involved, and just act like a dork.  I can admit this because I don’t care that I acted like that.  There have been times when I am in this mood; I have volunteered to do things that most people do not believe I have done.  This gives me a sort of high because I like proving people wrong sometimes, it can be fun!

Of course there is a bad type of crazy that happens to people and it is not fun at all.  These are times when a person knows they are not acting like themselves and can’t necessarily stop it.  I have had a few experiences with this type of crazy and it can be scary, not only for myself but for others that happen to discover I’m in that type of mood.  Luckily I have never been too far gone to be pulled back to reality.

All in all I keep plugging away at maintaining my level-headed life, while understanding that any type of crazy mood I get into is always a learning experience that makes me a stronger and better person.  After all what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!