Posted June 20, 2008on:
As the David Bowie song says, time may change me, however I can have some control over it and how I react to it. Change is perfectly natural and happens more often than you can count, sometimes we may not even realize something has changed. Change can be both good and bad; sometimes it may not even make a difference to certain people. Change isn’t always something we like happening, yet it happens anyway and we can either go along peacefully or kicking and screaming the entire way. Somewhere in the middle is probably where I belong.
The whole reason I am writing this post, stems from something a character in my soap opera, Days of our Lives, said. Rolf (an evil scientist turned butler) said, “We may not be able to change the past but we can control the future.” That statement struck me and I quickly grabbed a pen and paper to write it down as best I could from memory, then the light bulb went on and I realized the show was on my DVR so I could REWIND IT! Anyway, lately I have come to realize that while change can be good and bad, you have to accept that it’s going to happen before it can do you any good. I’m struggling with a few things right now that are pretty major to my life. I’m trying to lose weight and trying to train for a bike-a-thon in August. While they have a lot to do with each other, I have trouble remembering that they are two separate entities.
I have struggled with weight issues since I was young, I’d say for probably at least 2/3 of my life and I’m only 30 years old. I was always the chubby kid in school and while got teased for it, I never understood why. I didn’t see myself as fat; I wasn’t the only chubby kid, but never-the-less I got teased for it. In Junior High School my mom offered to help me try to lose some weight, I agreed and tried my hardest. I do remember getting grounded once by my dad for not losing 5 pounds in a week, I was disappointed in not only myself but the fact that I had let down my parents. I didn’t try real hard after that to say the least. Fast forward to 3 years ago, after countless other methods had been tried, when my doctor gave me some suggestions on how to go about eating better and losing weight. The guidelines were simple and I did really well at it, for a while. Eventually I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted and slowly gave up. Of course I gained some back, not all, but some. This past fall I was again approached by the doctor and it was suggested that I have a goal to work towards that would help keep me focused on working on losing the weight. After other ideas failed, I finally found something that I wanted to try, a bike-a-thon.
A bike-a-thon, riding my bike (which I like to do) for an extraordinary amount of miles. At first I had doubts but after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that I could do this. I was already working towards it by going to the gym, granted it was sporadic mostly but the desire was there. As time went on I developed a training schedule in my head of what I was going to do and when. The problem was putting the plan into motion. Again I was not seeing the results I wanted and therefore was slowly fading away from it.
That is my problem. I set these goals for changes in my life and when something, no matter how small or really insignificant, comes along to derail those, I give up. Is it because change scares me, maybe. Is it because I don’t know how to execute the changes, it’s possible. Maybe it’s because I don’t know if it’s a good change or a bad one. Maybe I am scared of actually accomplishing a goal, because I have never really set goals before. I am still not exactly sure what is going on but the light bulb is starting to flicker on.
I have been reading posts lately that seem to be directed at me, while I may not even know the blogger! Between those extremely inspirational posts, the ones that make me think, and talking to friends, I have now come to the following conclusions. First, while the ultimate goals are to lose weight and actually do the bike-a-thon, I have learned that in order to get to those goals and complete them, I need to set some more goals. Instead of focusing on the 20, 43, or 63 miles that I could do in the bike-a-thon, I need to set smaller goals for myself on a week to week basis. I need to start out by setting a goal of 5 miles in a weekend and after I accomplish that goal then I can add to it, go to 10, then maybe 13 or 15. Gradually work up to the 20 and 43 mile bike rides. The same goes for losing the weight. I shouldn’t look at the final number I’m reaching for; I need to focus on what I can do in a week and aim for accomplishing that. I need to look at the food plan that has been created for me and figure out, week by week, or even day by day, what I can do to stick with it. After that, then I can go week by week and see pound by pound come off. These little changes can have a big effect on me and ultimately get me to my big goals down the road, and by doing the changes slowly, it won’t be a shock to my system and I’ll have a better chance of sticking with them and therefore having the changes become not only beneficial but successes.
Of course there is the “I Don’t Want To Because” or “I Can’t because” or “I Would But” demons out there. I have to learn that it is ok to not do something once in a while. I can skip going to the gym or riding my bike, but I have to own it. I can’t give it a reason, I just need to stay I don’t want to and keep it at that. As soon as I put a reason, it becomes a cop out. I can take breaks if I want to. Ultimately I’m the one who decides if I do or don’t want to do things, no one else can decide for me, no one else can do it for me, I’m on my own in that department. However, I do and will need support from people. For the days when I slip up and forget that I am in control. I know in my heart that I can’t change the past, but I sure as hell can control my future.
It’s time to take bites instead of trying to swallow the whole apple at once! I need to start thinking and not just assume that everything will take care of itself. I am no longer afraid to make the changes, I am not afraid of the changes. As Wendi Kelly pointed out, it’s a good thing to say you can and will, but it’s also important that you believe. I now believe with all my heart that I can accomplish these goals I have set for myself. It may take time, endurance, persistence, even some pain but I will achieve my goals! I won’t say that I don’t need help, I’ll take all the help I can get, but believing is a big part of it. I will own it, I will do it!