Random Ramblings

Something To Believe In

Posted on: January 19, 2009

“I tried all night not to break down and cry
As the tears rolled down my face
I felt so cold and empty
Like a lost soul out of place
And the mirror, mirror on the wall
Sees my smile it fades again
And give me something to believe in”

Lyrics to Poison’s “Something to believe in”

A lost soul, I guess you could say that is what I’ve been feeling like lately.  I hope everyone who regularly, at least as regularly as I post, read this can forgive me for not writing in so long.  I’ve been wanting to write, I just haven’t been able to do it.  Nothing in my head wants to come out on to the screen for all to read!  That being said I apologize for what may come out now…

Have you ever felt like this?  Like you were cold and empty, your smile fading away?  It’s a scary thought and an even scarier place to be.  Sometimes I feel like I spend some nights fighting to not lose it and cry at things, especially when I have no control over them.  The last time I felt like this was almost two weeks ago, the week of my birthday.  Now I have a small group of close friends, those whom you’d do anything for and vice versa.  However this year I didn’t even get a Happy Birthday text from two of them.  This is the second year they have forgotten about my birthday, last year I thought it was just a fluke due to another party that was thrown and I was ok with that, but this year, there was nothing else going on.  This makes me sad, I had most all of my “facebook” friends wish me a happy brithday, people I haven’t seen in years, but not from two of my closest friends.  I just don’t know how to deal with that.  I kind of did feel cold and empty, even if Ican’t get together with friends, I at least try to send them a text, or call them or e-mail…SOMETHING! 

My smile has been fading for a long time now and that pretty much put me over the edge of where I am comfortable.   Right now I am even afraid of being too honest here and creating trouble for myself.  Maybe I’ll try this again in a week or so, it just isn’t working right now.  I’m sorry.

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7 Responses to "Something To Believe In"

Jenny,

What a raw, honest post. I’m glad you did write it. Take time and regroup, and take care of yourself.

And happy belated birthday. Yet another January baby! We’re everywhere! 🙂

Regards,

Kelly

You need a girls night! See you Saturday?

Also, you need to post your birthday on Facebook’s birthday reminder so that it goes out to those of us with &%@# for brains these days.

I’m sorry you are struggling with this. I feel at a loss to offer any kind of useful suggestions for moving forward. Maybe when you feel able you could look at why you place such a priority on birthday wishes. One possibility could be that those who don’t send are hinting that they don’t want to receive birthday wishes on their own birthday, from anyone? It’s one possibility among many.

I am coming from a different perspective of having so many unwanted things done for my birthdays in the past that for the first time I am looking forward to this year’s birthday with much less anxiety. And birthdays of childhood were really bad so it isn’t that I am comparing things to some standard of perfection in the past. I can’t deny that I have a birthday but I just tend to not place too much emphasis on it as there are more important parts to me than how old I am. Yes, I have a less than standard view on the topic.

Hey:)
31 is supposed to be better than 30 – no starting a bad trend because I can’t take another year like this one!
Seriously though… hang in there. It took me a few years with J to realize that birthdays just weren’t as important to him as they are to me so I had to adjust my expectations. I don’t know what else I can say to help, but please know that you can always reach out to me (I only have three e-mail addresses and a cell phone that is always with me!) if you need ANYTHING!!! Now go eat a banana – if nothing else you’ll laugh at me!
🙂 Lisa

Hi Jenny,
Hang in there. (I know those words probably mean very little to you). Friendship is important, and when that is breached, when simple things aren’t done to nurture it – this can be difficult. Know, though, that there are people who care. I care. And though my words may not bring any real relief, know that they are spoken with honesty. …just as you have written here.

I’ve been here, even when surrounded by people who were there to help. Just keep on writing, even if you don’t want to share it out here.

That’s what I did. To get it out of me. Onto paper. And then I found this place, out here. And met some pretty cool people, like you.

I know I’m late, but Happy Birthday – or am I early, for next year? 🙂

@Kelly – Thank you, you are very sweet!

@Irish – I though it was out on facebook, I got tons of b-day wishes jsut not from who I wanted. You do not have &%$# for brains! You Rock!

@Deb – I usually get slighted on my birthday because it’s so close to Christmas, I’ve learned to deal with that, but I guess I’ll have to learn how to deal with this! Thanks for stopping by!

@Lisa – Don’ worry, 31 can’t be worse than 30, at least I will test drive it for a few months and let you know!!

@Lance – Those words do mean a lot to me. I need to be reminded to “Hang in There” sometimes I tend to forget! Thank you for being so honest. I appreciate it more than I can express here.

@Brett – Thank you for the words of encouragement, I knew I could count on the people around here to help! I’d say you were early for next year! Thanks!

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