Random Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘dreams

The ashes drift away, smoke of our confusion
We turn our frightened faces to each other, say goodbye
Waited for the sign, waited for the moment
Waited for the miracle to arrive
I guess they lied
Lyrics of Omega by Bruce Dickinson

The only reason I ended up finding this particular song is because a friend quoted part of it as his facebook status yesterday. The quote looked familiar to me and I asked where it was from, his answer didn’t ring a bell to me.  However it did intrigue me enough to want to find it and see if the rest of the song meant anything to me.  What I found was that, while I didn’t know the song, it does mean something to me and has inspired this post.  For this, I thank you Lee!

In some way I think I have been waiting for a miracle to arrive, maybe I have been waiting for several miracles to arrive. None have shown up yet and I’m getting tired of waiting.  Of course that’s the problem, I’ve been waiting for a sign, a moment, something that would give me the information I was looking for. Waiting is the problem; waiting doesn’t get anything accomplished except maybe add to the stress of waiting! I think I am done waiting.  Suddenly the confusion over waiting and doing something are drifting away like the ashes in the song. 

A couple of weeks ago I finished up a show that I had been working on for over two months.  The community theater group I belong to, The Kirk Players, joined forces with the High School to produce a show that we as KP couldn’t do on our own, it called for 18 student age people, we barely have 5.  The joint venture proved to be successful yet challenging, in sync yet chaos, a wonderful experience, yet at sometimes a bit of torture.  Looking back on it now, it was a wonderful experience despite all the hiccups along the way.  This show was special to me for two reasons. I was one of the Assistant Directors and we were doing all the rehearsing in the school Auditorium, the same auditorium I did shows in high school. 

Holy Moly did it bring back memories and emotions.  By the end of the show on closing night, I was very emotional about the show being over.  It brought back the feelings and emotions that I had during the last show of my senior year.  It was tradition that the seniors ended up crying on the last night of the show, but I never understood why.  I got a rude awakening the last night of the show, I was fine until I saw a friend crying and I lost it. I said I was going to flunk and come back again the next year, of course this would be difficult in May of my senior year but I didn’t care.  I thought I would never be able to do another show ever again.  The current show was coming to a close and I was not handling it very well.  I avoided my cast after the curtain call because I was afraid I’d break down crying, I kept avoiding certain situations because I didn’t want to cry. I knew this was not my last show, yet it still felt like that senior show to me.  By the time I actually left the school to head to the restaurant where people were gathering to celebrate I started to cry.  I thought I had finished when I pulled into my parking spot, I got out and went in with people from the group.  I got to the table, and immediately went to the washroom and started crying again.  I decided maybe I needed a few more minutes to cry, so I went back to the tables, got my coat and said I’d be right back. I had no idea what was in store for me when I made it to my truck.  I hysterically cried for a good 15 minutes.  I was crying so hard that I ended up making myself sick and decided to just go home.  I didn’t want to burden my friends inside with this stuff.

I told that story to get to this point.  Yes while Omega may mean last, not everything has a last sometimes it just changes.  This also means that while I may have been waiting for miracles to happen, I am by no means on my last hope.  Every good thing must come to an end, even not so good things too!  While the show closing brought many emotions I had to realize that it was not my last show.  I have many more years to come in the theater and am looking forward to those; however I need a new version of me to experience them.  Since the show has been over I have been thinking a lot clearer on many things.  I have decided that I cannot wait for miracles to change me; I have to make the changes myself.  In the last two weeks I have decided to eat healthier and get a lot more exercise because I have big dreams and goals to accomplish this year!  I have approached the whole thing in a totally different way this time and it appears to be working so far!  I am way excited about it and will do posts on my continued success.

We believed in heaven, we believed in angels
With arms of purest white
To hold us, catch us when we fall

I do believe in Heaven and Angels, in fact they are all around us.  To me, Heaven is remembering to be thankful for everything I do have and not worry so much about the things I am not in control over. The feeling that comes from that can be like heaven!  Angels are all of my friends who support me even when I tend to forget that they do.  Apparently I’ve been tripping and falling for some time and all the while they were there catching me and holding me when I need it.  If it hadn’t have been for my friends after the show, who really cared about what was wrong, I could still be lost among the torrid emotions that engulfed me so deep.  Friends will always be there for you when you need them!  It is through this whole process that I believe I am on my way to becoming a better me!  Friends inspire you, comfort you, help you and love you no matter what.  I need to remember that a bit more often.

WOW!

Even as I sit here at the computer a whole two days later, I am still in shock and disbelief!  I have dreamed of this for many years but always put others on that pedestal because they were “more deserving” than I was.  I always go into these kinds of things really wanting and wishing and hoping but don’t usually end up having the dream come true!   I suppose you are all wondering what in the world I am talking about, huh?  Well I have every intention of explaining it to you so just sit tight.

As some of you know, or for those of you that don’t, I am heavily involved in a Community Theater Group in my town.  The Kirk Players are near and dear to my heart for umpteen million reasons, too many to list here, you can check them out at their website if you click their name. Anyway every year we have a banquet to celebrate a wonderful season, there are awards too, and gear up for the upcoming.  Well obviously if you couldn’t tell already the banquet was this past Saturday.  My husband and I got all dressed up for an evening that was sure to be exciting as I had a feeling that he was going to win an award and I was at least nominated for one.  The first shock of the evening came when the service awards were handed out and one person was receiving their A.C.T. award.  A.C.T. stands for Artist in Community Theater and is earned after ten years of service and at least 20 acting assignments or Tech crew head.  As they were reading the list of shows and assignments the person had done, it became increasingly obvious that it was myself they were talking about.  Now the reason I was shocked is that my Anniversary with the group isn’t until the beginning of September, but since the season doesn’t technically end until Mid-September I was eligible to receive it. 

I was truly honored to have reached this milestone; I love what I do when it comes to theater and this group, whether it is on stage, back stage or on the board of directors.  There is a great sense of family within this group, which is why most people are drawn to it!  So then came the scary part, I actually had to give a speech when I received the award. I hate speeches in front of people, I know for an actor that is shocking to hear, but I do!  I managed to say a few words and avoided saying anything dumb or embarrassing!  Once it was over I was slightly relieved to go sit back down and enjoy the rest of the awards as the award I was nominated for is generally presented dead last at the ceremony!  The rest of the awards went well; we did have a Christine Lahti incident in which one of the actresses who was nominated for Best Supporting Actress was in the bathroom when her name was called as the winner!  She gracefully accepted it as she returned and it made for a good laugh!

As the awards went on, it came time for the award that I was almost sure my husband was going to win.  We have an award named after our Founder’s wife.  The purpose of the award is to honor those who are not Kirk Players and contributed significantly throughout the season.  My husband had done this as he participated in all four shows this past season in major parts as the lighting technician.  He had done so much that this summer he was officially offered membership, which he accepted.  Well it turned out that he was the winner and he was surprised and of course humbly accepted it. 

Once the main part of the awards was over and we had gone on to introduce the new season, it was finally time for the last award of the evening.  It is the most prestigious award for someone to receive as it is the Hazen Most Valuable Player Award.  It is named after two former players who were extremely involved in the group years ago, so much so they had an award named after them obviously!  Anyway there were four nominees including myself.  I truly was honored just to be nominated in this category as it takes some truly special people, a truly special amount of heart and soul to deserve to be nominated for this.  The list of nominees was read and I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for the winner to be announced.

…And the winner is… Jenny Tomlin!  I was completely shocked and just in awe that my name had actually been called.  I think I even got a standing ovation while I walked up to the podium.  My high school theater teacher, who happens to be the founder’s son, was the presenter of the award and once I got up there he just hugged me tight and I hugged him back just as fiercely.  Winning this award meant so much to me that I can’t even be sure I can do justice to my feelings here.  I was standing up there and my hands were shaking so much I had to put the award down on the podium!  I feel truly blessed to be so greatly honored within this group with such a prestigious award.  I honestly didn’t think I would win, as I said in my speech, the part I do remember, everyone who was nominated deserved it just as much as I did.  Once I got through the speech, and the hugs from everyone on the way back to my table, I sat down with so many emotions running around in my head I was in another world.  I had dreamed of winning this award for sooooooo long and had different scenario’s run through my head on what I’d say if I won, if I would take the Sally Field approach of “You Like Me! You Really Like Me!”  Or if I’d get up there and not be able to say a word because I’d be crying!  In the end I was pretty level headed while I was up there, or at least it appeared that way on the outside because on the inside I was a mess!!

It was the perfect way to end the evening in my opinion and I am still reeling from it!  This month has been quite a month for sure.  Doing many things that I never thought I would and having things I never thought would happen, happen to me!  I can’t even describe how all of these events, the bike-a-thon, the awards, and just things in general are making me feel, but it is incredible!


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