Random Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘emotions

“The test results came back this week, and though I’m sure they were no surprise to you, they sure knocked the wind outta my sails. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, ALS, better known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. The pain and weakness in my ankles is just the beginning. It is going to slowly work its way up my body, paralyzing me as it goes, until finally it reaches my lungs and I’ll die.  There is no cure.”

These words above have nothing to do with me other than the fact that I had to say them this weekend, however they are not true.  I do not have ALS; I am not in any way shape or form sick with anything like it.  I was helping my friends, Wendi and John with a Liturgical Dramas at their church.  I played a character named Annie in a monologue called POOLSIDE.  From time to time their church will present a short, and by short I mean usually no longer than 5-7 minutes long, performance during the service that delivers a message to all who attend the service. I’ve been involved on a few of them and they are all different. Once there was one about three people getting a Q & A session with St. Peter, another involved a businessman who had trouble keeping his phone calls straight between a business partner and his pastor, and one on Good Friday highlighting what Jesus went through for his children.  Sometimes they are funny, most of the time they are full of valuable lessons and sometimes they are just an extremely powerful message that makes you think.

This one was no exception. I had to play a woman who had been diagnosed with ALS, and was asking Jesus for a miracle to make her well again. She also wondered if she would deserve such a miracle as miracles are far and few between.  She had heard her Pastor tell the story of Jesus at the pool of Bethesda in Jerusalem where he healed a lame man that couldn’t get to the healing waters himself.  She wrestled with why Jesus chose that man instead of the many who sat by the pool with broken limbs waiting for an Angel to stir the water so they could be the first to step in and be healed.  Didn’t they all deserve to be healed?  Why only pick that one man?  She also wondered if she was deserving of such a miracle herself.  Playing this character was not an easy task for me by any means.  I do not have ALS or any other life threatening disease; therefore I do not know what it would be like to receive that kind of news or have to ask for a miracle of this magnitude.  All I could do was to imagine how I would feel if I were to receive news like that.  That in itself is not easy to do because you would always like to think that you’d a lot better to things like that than you actually do, you can never really know how it would feel or how you would react until it actually happens to you.

I tried and tried to figure out how I would feel, getting this piece of traumatic news.  Between what I was coming up with and some helpful thoughts from Wendi in her directing of the scene, I was able to come up with things to think about if it was me.  How would I tell my husband?  How would I tell the rest of my family or my friends?  I couldn’t find the answers to those questions, but I believe it at least invoked some of the correct emotions I would need to do this monologue.  I tried thinking of how if this had been me, that I may not ever meet the baby my sister is pregnant with, or wouldn’t get to see my nephew grow up.  These things really hit an emotional chord with me.  Of course this all began coming together at the last minute though.  The entire rehearsal period, I thought I had the right emotions where they needed to be, but they were never quite right.  It wasn’t until Sunday morning running through it before the service with Wendi and she reminded me that there was an ebb and flow to the piece.  I doubt she realizes it but that helped me more than I had expected it to.  Soon it was time for the first performance.

I waited anxiously just outside of the sanctuary for my light cue to enter. I walked out with my cane, hoping the audience could see the pain when I walked.  I took my place on the bench and began talking.  The words came effortlessly and I felt as though I really had the church goers that morning entranced.  I finished the piece, waited for the blackout and quickly exited the sanctuary.  I truly felt as though I had done everything I had wanted and that Wendi tried to get me to do.  I was so overcome with emotion that I actually started to cry.  I’m not sure if they were tears of relief to have gotten through it or tears of emotion because I really felt the words that I was saying.  It took me a few minutes to calm down enough to go out to the lobby where I would eventually greet the guests when the service was over.  I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling, as I wasn’t and still aren’t sure of the reason. 

The second service performance was pretty shaky for me. I’m not sure if I was just expecting too much from it or what, but within three lines I was already making mistakes and unfortunately it flustered me and I don’t feel as though I did as well as the first time.  People still came up to me after the service and told me what a nice job I did and I am truly thankful for all the kind words I received from people, but inside I was mad at myself for not doing a good job on the second one. I wished I could have reprised the first performance, but apparently it wasn’t in the cards.  I just hope for the sake of John and Wendi that I didn’t let them down and hopefully I did some justice to the piece.

The ashes drift away, smoke of our confusion
We turn our frightened faces to each other, say goodbye
Waited for the sign, waited for the moment
Waited for the miracle to arrive
I guess they lied
Lyrics of Omega by Bruce Dickinson

The only reason I ended up finding this particular song is because a friend quoted part of it as his facebook status yesterday. The quote looked familiar to me and I asked where it was from, his answer didn’t ring a bell to me.  However it did intrigue me enough to want to find it and see if the rest of the song meant anything to me.  What I found was that, while I didn’t know the song, it does mean something to me and has inspired this post.  For this, I thank you Lee!

In some way I think I have been waiting for a miracle to arrive, maybe I have been waiting for several miracles to arrive. None have shown up yet and I’m getting tired of waiting.  Of course that’s the problem, I’ve been waiting for a sign, a moment, something that would give me the information I was looking for. Waiting is the problem; waiting doesn’t get anything accomplished except maybe add to the stress of waiting! I think I am done waiting.  Suddenly the confusion over waiting and doing something are drifting away like the ashes in the song. 

A couple of weeks ago I finished up a show that I had been working on for over two months.  The community theater group I belong to, The Kirk Players, joined forces with the High School to produce a show that we as KP couldn’t do on our own, it called for 18 student age people, we barely have 5.  The joint venture proved to be successful yet challenging, in sync yet chaos, a wonderful experience, yet at sometimes a bit of torture.  Looking back on it now, it was a wonderful experience despite all the hiccups along the way.  This show was special to me for two reasons. I was one of the Assistant Directors and we were doing all the rehearsing in the school Auditorium, the same auditorium I did shows in high school. 

Holy Moly did it bring back memories and emotions.  By the end of the show on closing night, I was very emotional about the show being over.  It brought back the feelings and emotions that I had during the last show of my senior year.  It was tradition that the seniors ended up crying on the last night of the show, but I never understood why.  I got a rude awakening the last night of the show, I was fine until I saw a friend crying and I lost it. I said I was going to flunk and come back again the next year, of course this would be difficult in May of my senior year but I didn’t care.  I thought I would never be able to do another show ever again.  The current show was coming to a close and I was not handling it very well.  I avoided my cast after the curtain call because I was afraid I’d break down crying, I kept avoiding certain situations because I didn’t want to cry. I knew this was not my last show, yet it still felt like that senior show to me.  By the time I actually left the school to head to the restaurant where people were gathering to celebrate I started to cry.  I thought I had finished when I pulled into my parking spot, I got out and went in with people from the group.  I got to the table, and immediately went to the washroom and started crying again.  I decided maybe I needed a few more minutes to cry, so I went back to the tables, got my coat and said I’d be right back. I had no idea what was in store for me when I made it to my truck.  I hysterically cried for a good 15 minutes.  I was crying so hard that I ended up making myself sick and decided to just go home.  I didn’t want to burden my friends inside with this stuff.

I told that story to get to this point.  Yes while Omega may mean last, not everything has a last sometimes it just changes.  This also means that while I may have been waiting for miracles to happen, I am by no means on my last hope.  Every good thing must come to an end, even not so good things too!  While the show closing brought many emotions I had to realize that it was not my last show.  I have many more years to come in the theater and am looking forward to those; however I need a new version of me to experience them.  Since the show has been over I have been thinking a lot clearer on many things.  I have decided that I cannot wait for miracles to change me; I have to make the changes myself.  In the last two weeks I have decided to eat healthier and get a lot more exercise because I have big dreams and goals to accomplish this year!  I have approached the whole thing in a totally different way this time and it appears to be working so far!  I am way excited about it and will do posts on my continued success.

We believed in heaven, we believed in angels
With arms of purest white
To hold us, catch us when we fall

I do believe in Heaven and Angels, in fact they are all around us.  To me, Heaven is remembering to be thankful for everything I do have and not worry so much about the things I am not in control over. The feeling that comes from that can be like heaven!  Angels are all of my friends who support me even when I tend to forget that they do.  Apparently I’ve been tripping and falling for some time and all the while they were there catching me and holding me when I need it.  If it hadn’t have been for my friends after the show, who really cared about what was wrong, I could still be lost among the torrid emotions that engulfed me so deep.  Friends will always be there for you when you need them!  It is through this whole process that I believe I am on my way to becoming a better me!  Friends inspire you, comfort you, help you and love you no matter what.  I need to remember that a bit more often.

Moments

Posted on: October 9, 2008

“…you know I haven’t always been this way.
I’ve had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn’t do…
…Lookin’ at me now, you might not know it
But I’ve had my moments”
Lyrics from Emerson Drive’s song Moments

If you can make it through the video for this song and not get tears in your eyes, then you obviously do not get the meaning of it.  Being the music fan that I am, I have heard countless sappy songs that were heartfelt and brimming with emotion, there is definitely not a shortage.  This song however struck a major chord within me when I heard it the first time.  It pulled at all the emotional strings it could find and made me aware of so many things I don’t think I could even list them here.

To me, this song is about two people who are nothing alike and at the same time are exactly alike.  Both people may have had completely different lives but yet something joins them on an emotional level that so many people can’t even begin to understand.  In the song one person is about to end their life and a complete stranger steps in and convinces them not to.  That is the obvious message, but what about the age old adage of not judging a book by its cover?  Many times you see someone and you already have preconceived notions before you even speak to them.  Admit it; I know I have done it, several times in fact.  Unfortunately it’s a part of human nature.  You can look at a hundred different people and make judgments on them based on how they look or what they happen to be doing at the time, but you don’t have a clue as to who that person is and what they are all about. 

How many times have you been quick to judge someone based on something that is truly irrelevant only to find that the person was the complete opposite?  I can see how this could happen with people who are diagnosed with depression.  Part of what makes them depressed is the fact that they know they weren’t always this way; they used to have happy lives and things they looked forward to.  I’ve been there when I have said to myself, “this isn’t who I am, I am not like this, I used to be happy, what happened?”  How horrible a feeling it must be for someone to be judged by a complete stranger just because they are depressed.   You don’t know if the grumpy old man on the bus has just lost his wife of 50+ years, or if the young girl in the park was diagnosed with incurable cancer.  

Sometimes all it takes is a little compassion for these people and a kind word to let them know they are still valued and needed.  Don’t you want to feel valued?  Can you remember a time when you were unfairly judged by someone?  Did it make you mad because you knew that they didn’t know the whole story?  For those who deal with depression it hurts them when they know they haven’t always been that way, they have been award winners, moms, friends, or even popular.  Next time you see someone and are quick to make a judgment about them, stop and think, what made them this way, what’s their story?  You never know when a kind word will save a person.

Seasons change, feelings change
It’s been so long since I found you
Yet it seems like yesterday
Seasons change, people change.
Lyrics from the song “Seasons Change” by Expose’

How true is that portion of the chorus from the song?  Have you ever really sat down and thought about or contemplated how quickly things can and do change?  Have you ever not notice a change until after it has happened, even though you may have been dreading it?  Of course not all change is the same, sometimes it can be a very slow process, sometimes fast as lightning and you don’t know what happened.  Sometimes you as a person change without ever knowing it. 

It’s been a while since I did a post about a song lyric, which if you’ll recall is what I said I would probably normally do my posts on.  That obviously didn’t last too long, however I have not abandoned the idea altogether, it’s just been on hold while I get some other stuff posted.  While I love finding meanings in songs and their lyrics, I have also found that they are not all that inspires me.  Lots of things inspire me and they keep changing all the time!  Trust me there will be more posts on songs as I go, but I originally used that idea to launch my blog and thought it would be a good starting place, which it was.  Now I am more confident in “blogging” to write about random things that do not come from a song.  This is an improvement!

Now I will admit that some of the posts were done when emotions were running high and rampant.  Like all things, the feelings changed once I had a chance to look back on them and the event(s) that caused them.  It’s the knee-jerk reaction, sometimes things just happen without too much thought.  I am sure that most people have a story, or many of times when they have reacted without being able to think about what they were reacting to.  I’m sure you’ve been told before, but sometimes it really does help to think about what you are going to say and make sure you have all the facts before you act on your emotions.  I have a perfect example of this!

It was my wedding day, things had gone relatively smoothly, except for forgetting the marriage license at my mom’s house, but that was the extent of mishaps.  We were partying our way into the night when all of a sudden I saw a couple come in the door whom I did not recognize and upon seeing them I basically started to freak out that some random people were crashing my wedding reception!  Things were changing and not for the better as I was concerned.  I darted immediately for my mom to ask her if she recognized the people, having a little bit of forethought.  When she didn’t know them and was surprised that I didn’t know them, I told her I needed a couple of my cousins to remove some people for me.  I know full well that all I would have had to do was say the word and they would have removed any unwanted guests without flinching.  Lucky for the couple, at that point my brand new husband came over because i looked upset, when I explained what was going on and what I was doing about it, he kindly asked me to “call off the hounds” as he did know the couple and had told them they could stop by.  At this point I was probably more embarassed than anything, and I am sure it was awkward when he introduced us, as I felt like I had “I almost had my cousins kick you out” written on my face.  All in all it would have been much better if I had stopped to think and get the facts before I reacted.

That is only one story that I can think of right now off because I told that story this past weekend to some friends.  I know there have been other times when I have not reacted as I should have, especially when it involved a change to things.  We live in a world that changes more often than not and if we don’t accept that, you will not prosper in it.  It’s one thing to have things change when we are ready and/or expecting them to.  It’s a whole other game when things change and you are not ready for it or even remotely expecting it.  It can be a good idea to write when emotions are high as it could be a really good thing, but you also have to accept that it might be a really bad thing too.

Is it a good idea to be ready for change all the time?  Yes I think it is, but with how unpredictable things are, it’s not a good idea to force change.  When change is forced upon someone or a group of people,  you run the risk of it blowing up in your face.  I’ve seen this happen, it’s happened to me.  I believe that you need to be ready to accept change in the event that it happens, but also be willing to keep things the way they are if change doesn’t come.  Things happen for a reason and if something in your life needs to be changed, it will change and usually for the better.  It’s when you force change that things can have negative results.  It’s best to just let things happen on their own in their own time, you’ll realize that it happens without much help from you and usually whether you want it to or not.  Try to stay positive and the changes should be good!

 

I will admit it; I have been a big chicken this week.  Yep that’s right I have been afraid to write, especially here.  After my last post on Sunday, when words just came tumbling out of me like a waterfall, and they weren’t the greatest in the world I got scared.  I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to control myself and it wouldn’t be a good thing.  It may have taken me five days but I think I have a handle on myself and my emotions, at least a better handle than I had on Sunday. 

I don’t think that has ever happened to me before!  I have always wanted to write, sometimes I couldn’t think of anything to write but the desire was always there.  This time, the desire seemed to have vanished and I was a little worried that it wouldn’t come back.  I have to say, I wasn’t in the best place in the world when I wrote that last post, but I know in my heart that I needed to write it.  I also know that I have the need to write more, but I’m just not ready to yet.  Before I write like that again I will need to do some serious preparing so that I keep control, or rather so that I HAVE control, unlike last time! 

I do not like that feeling, you know what feeling I mean.  It’s the being afraid of not only failing, but failing miserably.  That is almost what I felt after publishing that post.  This whole new world of Blogs is a little intimidating, especially when I read other posts by other bloggers.  Some of the ones I have found write really good stuff!  I get so jealous when I read their posts and when I see how many comments they have on them.  I want that, I just don’t know how to get it.  This does not mean that I am giving up at all.  I plan on plugging away and putting new posts out as often as I can and learning as much as I can about the whole blog world.  I just need to focus a little more on it than maybe I have been.  I promise to keep at it, as long as my fingers hold out!! 

I am inspired to write today however I do not know how all this will come across, but I have to write it, maybe I’ll find some answers, maybe I won’t, all I know is that I feel a need in me to get this out.  It may come out as a really bad poem, or just a bunch of rambling, but you have been forewarned.  I make no guarantees of this making sense, especially if I don’t know if it will make sense to me, but here goes…

I’ve been caught staring off into space

I think my heart is broken into a million pieces
As I write this, the tears start to flow.
I have no idea what in the world to do.
I don’t know if I should even stick around.
I feel as though I am at a point in my life,
There are so many things I am terrified about.
I need somewhere to find the answers.
I can’t bear this hurt anymore, I’m about to crack.
I see dark clouds coming my way but can’t run.
What goes around comes around I believe.
Things that have happened before are coming
I can’t stop them, no one really can
The vicious cycle of life is out of anyone’s hands.
We just have to sit back and take what’s given
Too many things come flying at you quickly
It’s hard to make a definite prognosis yet
Do I follow my heart, if so which piece?
I am more confused right now more than ever.
The dark side is calling, extremely loudly.
I hate the other side of life, it sucks
Things are all turned upside down
Everything is wrong, sad and evil.
You can’t escape from it anyway
It has a strong hold on you, forever.
Why do tears hide so often?
Wouldn’t it help to cry? Yes
Why can’t I help myself?
Do I even know how? Yes
What am I going to do?
Things have to change and quickly or else.
I’ve been down this road before, sort of
Part of the road is familiar while most is unknown
The familiar isn’t even comforting at all.
This is a scary journey and I’m all alone.
If people are supporting me, I can’t see them
They hide like the stars during the day
My nights are not what they should be
The stars don’t come out anymore
They can’t break through the storming clouds
I’m scared, terrified, afraid, nervous, anxious.
Emotions are over flowing with no real exit
Bottled up for so long they wait to be free
Things are changing and I can’t make sense.
Sad, confused, unsettled, alone, miserable.
Keeping things hidden is what I’m good at
No one really knows the extent of it
I’ve tried to tell people, it hurts so much
The breaking point is so close to taste
Someday may be too late.

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