Random Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘friends

The ashes drift away, smoke of our confusion
We turn our frightened faces to each other, say goodbye
Waited for the sign, waited for the moment
Waited for the miracle to arrive
I guess they lied
Lyrics of Omega by Bruce Dickinson

The only reason I ended up finding this particular song is because a friend quoted part of it as his facebook status yesterday. The quote looked familiar to me and I asked where it was from, his answer didn’t ring a bell to me.  However it did intrigue me enough to want to find it and see if the rest of the song meant anything to me.  What I found was that, while I didn’t know the song, it does mean something to me and has inspired this post.  For this, I thank you Lee!

In some way I think I have been waiting for a miracle to arrive, maybe I have been waiting for several miracles to arrive. None have shown up yet and I’m getting tired of waiting.  Of course that’s the problem, I’ve been waiting for a sign, a moment, something that would give me the information I was looking for. Waiting is the problem; waiting doesn’t get anything accomplished except maybe add to the stress of waiting! I think I am done waiting.  Suddenly the confusion over waiting and doing something are drifting away like the ashes in the song. 

A couple of weeks ago I finished up a show that I had been working on for over two months.  The community theater group I belong to, The Kirk Players, joined forces with the High School to produce a show that we as KP couldn’t do on our own, it called for 18 student age people, we barely have 5.  The joint venture proved to be successful yet challenging, in sync yet chaos, a wonderful experience, yet at sometimes a bit of torture.  Looking back on it now, it was a wonderful experience despite all the hiccups along the way.  This show was special to me for two reasons. I was one of the Assistant Directors and we were doing all the rehearsing in the school Auditorium, the same auditorium I did shows in high school. 

Holy Moly did it bring back memories and emotions.  By the end of the show on closing night, I was very emotional about the show being over.  It brought back the feelings and emotions that I had during the last show of my senior year.  It was tradition that the seniors ended up crying on the last night of the show, but I never understood why.  I got a rude awakening the last night of the show, I was fine until I saw a friend crying and I lost it. I said I was going to flunk and come back again the next year, of course this would be difficult in May of my senior year but I didn’t care.  I thought I would never be able to do another show ever again.  The current show was coming to a close and I was not handling it very well.  I avoided my cast after the curtain call because I was afraid I’d break down crying, I kept avoiding certain situations because I didn’t want to cry. I knew this was not my last show, yet it still felt like that senior show to me.  By the time I actually left the school to head to the restaurant where people were gathering to celebrate I started to cry.  I thought I had finished when I pulled into my parking spot, I got out and went in with people from the group.  I got to the table, and immediately went to the washroom and started crying again.  I decided maybe I needed a few more minutes to cry, so I went back to the tables, got my coat and said I’d be right back. I had no idea what was in store for me when I made it to my truck.  I hysterically cried for a good 15 minutes.  I was crying so hard that I ended up making myself sick and decided to just go home.  I didn’t want to burden my friends inside with this stuff.

I told that story to get to this point.  Yes while Omega may mean last, not everything has a last sometimes it just changes.  This also means that while I may have been waiting for miracles to happen, I am by no means on my last hope.  Every good thing must come to an end, even not so good things too!  While the show closing brought many emotions I had to realize that it was not my last show.  I have many more years to come in the theater and am looking forward to those; however I need a new version of me to experience them.  Since the show has been over I have been thinking a lot clearer on many things.  I have decided that I cannot wait for miracles to change me; I have to make the changes myself.  In the last two weeks I have decided to eat healthier and get a lot more exercise because I have big dreams and goals to accomplish this year!  I have approached the whole thing in a totally different way this time and it appears to be working so far!  I am way excited about it and will do posts on my continued success.

We believed in heaven, we believed in angels
With arms of purest white
To hold us, catch us when we fall

I do believe in Heaven and Angels, in fact they are all around us.  To me, Heaven is remembering to be thankful for everything I do have and not worry so much about the things I am not in control over. The feeling that comes from that can be like heaven!  Angels are all of my friends who support me even when I tend to forget that they do.  Apparently I’ve been tripping and falling for some time and all the while they were there catching me and holding me when I need it.  If it hadn’t have been for my friends after the show, who really cared about what was wrong, I could still be lost among the torrid emotions that engulfed me so deep.  Friends will always be there for you when you need them!  It is through this whole process that I believe I am on my way to becoming a better me!  Friends inspire you, comfort you, help you and love you no matter what.  I need to remember that a bit more often.

Words are few
I have spoken
I could waste a thousand years
Wrapped in sorrow
Words are token
Come inside and catch my tears
Do you really want to hurt me
Do you really want to make me cry
Lyrics from Culture Club’s song “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”

Why is it so easy to hurt someone and not even know it?  Why is it so easy to be hurt when you know they don’t know they are doing it?  Why do people pretend that they are not hurting when it’s easy to see on their face?  Why can’t some people see how much others are hurting?  Why is it always the people you least expect that hurt you the most?  Why is it that those you think should know, see or feel that you are hurting, don’t?  If I had the answers to these questions I’d be making more money than Dr. Phil.  However these kinds of things have been happening to me lately and it is starting to really bother me.  These things aren’t easy to admit, it’s never easy to admit that you are hurting. 

It seems like lately some people have just… drifted away.  People I have counted on to be there for me before and now it seems like everyone else has their focus on something else and no time for me.  I have always thought of my friends as very special people and put them on the highest pedestals.  I have always held them in high regard, especially the closest ones, of which there aren’t many.  I would give my life for any one of them, be there for them in an instant, NO MATTER WHAT!  I have always thought that the road went both ways, and for the most part it did.  However lately, when I have needed a friend or two, no one was there.  Needless to say it didn’t help the situation to have no one to turn to, to have no one who seemed to care, it HURTS A LOT!  I’m not mad at them and I am trying to understand that they have other obligations and responsibilities, but so do I.  I am still willing to make time for my friends and will continue to do so forever.  I cherish my friends more than most anything else in my life, without my friends I would be lost.

I know things change and that friendships evolve to different levels, but I am feeling left out.  I try and try and try again to reach out and communicate to my friends but it is not an easy thing to wait and wait and wait for a response.  All I want is for people to take notice that I am still here and still willing and able to be a friend.  I’m almost afraid that somehow I will get left behind still waiting for things to go back to the way they were.  I know that it is improbable but I’d at least like to have something to look forward to.  I have put in so much effort to stay connected to friends but in my mind it doesn’t seem to be working. 

All I really want is the support of my friends, or at least know that it’s still there.  Some of my friends don’t even know that I am planning on riding in a bike-a-thon in August.  I am terrified to do it, but believe that if I have the support of my friends and family then I will be able to accomplish it.  I need all the support I can get but don’t know how to find it if friends aren’t even talking to me.  As far as I know I haven’t done anything to upset anyone, but if I have I just wish they would tell me so I could work on fixing it or at least work on being able to move past it.  My one hope in all this is that I haven’t been too reliant on my friends and in part scared them all away. That is the last thing I have ever wanted to do. 

I know that as you grow up things change, priorities change, responsibility changes and it happens to everyone, whether you want it to or not.  I just know that despite these things happening, friendships can withstand all of it if both parties are willing to try.  I am completely wiling to try if only they would agree to try with me.  I hate the unknown factor in all of this; I know how my heart feels, I know how much I care, and I know how many tears I have cried over this.  I miss my friends terribly and am willing to do whatever it takes to work on these relationships.  I love my friends more than words can express and I just hope they know it and can feel it!  I don’t want this to sound like a pity party, but I miss the fun I used to have with my friends and would like to get it back!

I have a secret to tell you so lean in close…closer!  Guess what…it’s ALWAYS Sunny!  That’s right; you can pick your jaw up off the floor now!  I’m telling you the truth, I know for a fact that it’s sunny all the time, even when it may seem like the gloomiest day and you don’t think the rain will ever end, much like the weather here today.  I bet you are wondering how in the world I know this little tidbit well I’ll tell you, I’ve seen it!

Ok, Ok I’ll give up my secret; it’s not really a secret anyway.  Anyone who has been on a plane and flown somewhere knows this.  It can be the gloomiest day, the rainiest day, or even the snowiest day and once you get above those clouds you will in fact find the sun.  Trust me on this!  On our trip to Colorado it suddenly dawned on me, that no matter what we experience here on earth, up above the clouds that ball of fire is shining on.  And let me tell you, it was nice to finally realize that.

After thinking about this for a while, and believe me it wasn’t easy to forget due to the beauty on top of the clouds, I came to the conclusion that this idea can be applied to things within your own life.  When you are down and nothing seems to be going right or happening the way you’d like and you think everything is stuck in a whirlwind or tornado, there is always SOMETHING that is a bright spot, your sunshine.  You may not exactly realize it at that point, but all you have to do is try to find it, it may be easier to find than you think. 

I may have been partially hypocritical about this as I have had some dark days and thought there was NOTHING good in my life.  I was so wrong, most of the time I couldn’t figure that out on my own.  I needed the help of friends to drive the point home, but eventually I have learned that even when it seems like nothing is going right or will ever again, somewhere there is, forgive the cliche’, a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Sometimes you just have to think about what makes you smile.  In my case, I have two sure-fire things that are bound to make me smile, NO MATTER WHAT!  My 3 year old nephew and my friends.  A lot of times just getting a hug from a friend can wipe away so many doubts and fears.  I love getting hugs from people, the circle of friends I am in always hug when we see each other and as we leave each other and it makes me so happy!  I can always use a hug no matter what is going on.  Sometimes when I need a hug I don’t have anyone to give one to me.  Luckily someone always comes along with open arms. 

Well now you know, it’s always sunny no matter what.  Even in the dead of night, it’s sunny somewhere in the world!  Who or what is your Sunshine?

Tonight I have read some interesting posts in the blogging world.  Some made me think, some made me happy, some made me intrigued.  All in all it was an interesting journey I took tonight.  It’s been an interesting journey that I have been on for the last few years and I can only see it getting more so. 

Last night I was out with some friends at a local bar doing one of my most favorite things to do; Line Dance!!  I haven’t been able to go out, or dance in almost two months so I was really looking forward to it!  I had been officially cleared to resume normal activities by my doctor after the whole foot thing so I was in rare form and chomping at the bit to dance.  I believe I was so looking forward to it, that I may have been too full of myself.  I managed to accomplish something that I have never done before while line dancing; I fell!  Yep, I was looking at the ceiling from the floor!  I was doing a dance I have probably done a hundred times and decided to add what I call flair to it and tripped over my own feet!  I don’t mind telling you that I felt like a total and complete moron.  I have fallen during a really fast couples dance when goofing off, but NEVER during a line dance.  Boy was I knocked off my high horse in an instant and realized suddenly realized that it only took about two seconds for me to go from feeling pretty good to having some pretty heavily damaged pride on my hands.  I am fine, except for the sore back and arm, but such is life.

Fortunately my pride will recover without too much detrimental damage.  It did however make me stop and think about some things going on in my life.  I thought about a poem by Robert Frost today, The Road Not Taken to be precise.  I have often wondered myself which path to take, which one was right, which was wrong.  Is there every really a right or wrong path?  Of course I am scared to take the wrong path, however I am also scared to take the right path sometimes too.  I wish I had a crystal ball to give me some insight on how things would be should I choose to do something a certain way. 

I am planning on doing a bike-a-thon in August and right now I am gung-ho on getting started training for it.  I wish I could look into the future and see if what I am planning on doing is going to actually work this time.  We can’t always get what we want, but I’d like to know if my will power and determination are going to keep up with me this time or if I will yet again change my mind or put this new goal to the wayside to be forgotten about.  Right now there are a few other things I’d like some answers on, but I don’t even know how to begin to ask the questions that need answers.  I need to spend some time searching my soul and see what I come up with, then maybe I can answer those questions and get myself on the path I need to be on, whether it is right or wrong.  Of course the questions I need to ask, scare me to death and I need to work on the courage to really ask them in order to get answers.  I am at a point in my life that I think I am ready for and on the brink of a major change in my life; I just don’t yet know what it is; if that makes any sense at all.

I don’t know if everyone knows this or not, but did you know that if you need to be inspired, you usually don’t have to go looking very far??  I have yet again learned this one the hard way.  I was thinking that I needed to post another entry on here but had no ideas on what to do it on.  After a few visits to some blogs that have proven in the past to be pretty inspirational I was ready to write in no time.  Although it is proving to be somewhat difficult due to the sore arm and wrist from the aforementioned fall, I am pressing on because I have felt the need to finish this one.  I know that in the coming months, this will probably be a kind of mental release for me as I search for my path that destiny or fate has laid out for me.  This could be the most difficult journey I’ve ever had to face, and I’ve already had a doozy, but I think I am really ready to explore my options.  I now know that I will need to do some serious soul searching to find these answers but I believe I am finally ready to embrace them and get to the bottom of my conundrum.  I only pray that I have the support I need when the time comes to act on the findings.

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