Random Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘Goals

The ashes drift away, smoke of our confusion
We turn our frightened faces to each other, say goodbye
Waited for the sign, waited for the moment
Waited for the miracle to arrive
I guess they lied
Lyrics of Omega by Bruce Dickinson

The only reason I ended up finding this particular song is because a friend quoted part of it as his facebook status yesterday. The quote looked familiar to me and I asked where it was from, his answer didn’t ring a bell to me.  However it did intrigue me enough to want to find it and see if the rest of the song meant anything to me.  What I found was that, while I didn’t know the song, it does mean something to me and has inspired this post.  For this, I thank you Lee!

In some way I think I have been waiting for a miracle to arrive, maybe I have been waiting for several miracles to arrive. None have shown up yet and I’m getting tired of waiting.  Of course that’s the problem, I’ve been waiting for a sign, a moment, something that would give me the information I was looking for. Waiting is the problem; waiting doesn’t get anything accomplished except maybe add to the stress of waiting! I think I am done waiting.  Suddenly the confusion over waiting and doing something are drifting away like the ashes in the song. 

A couple of weeks ago I finished up a show that I had been working on for over two months.  The community theater group I belong to, The Kirk Players, joined forces with the High School to produce a show that we as KP couldn’t do on our own, it called for 18 student age people, we barely have 5.  The joint venture proved to be successful yet challenging, in sync yet chaos, a wonderful experience, yet at sometimes a bit of torture.  Looking back on it now, it was a wonderful experience despite all the hiccups along the way.  This show was special to me for two reasons. I was one of the Assistant Directors and we were doing all the rehearsing in the school Auditorium, the same auditorium I did shows in high school. 

Holy Moly did it bring back memories and emotions.  By the end of the show on closing night, I was very emotional about the show being over.  It brought back the feelings and emotions that I had during the last show of my senior year.  It was tradition that the seniors ended up crying on the last night of the show, but I never understood why.  I got a rude awakening the last night of the show, I was fine until I saw a friend crying and I lost it. I said I was going to flunk and come back again the next year, of course this would be difficult in May of my senior year but I didn’t care.  I thought I would never be able to do another show ever again.  The current show was coming to a close and I was not handling it very well.  I avoided my cast after the curtain call because I was afraid I’d break down crying, I kept avoiding certain situations because I didn’t want to cry. I knew this was not my last show, yet it still felt like that senior show to me.  By the time I actually left the school to head to the restaurant where people were gathering to celebrate I started to cry.  I thought I had finished when I pulled into my parking spot, I got out and went in with people from the group.  I got to the table, and immediately went to the washroom and started crying again.  I decided maybe I needed a few more minutes to cry, so I went back to the tables, got my coat and said I’d be right back. I had no idea what was in store for me when I made it to my truck.  I hysterically cried for a good 15 minutes.  I was crying so hard that I ended up making myself sick and decided to just go home.  I didn’t want to burden my friends inside with this stuff.

I told that story to get to this point.  Yes while Omega may mean last, not everything has a last sometimes it just changes.  This also means that while I may have been waiting for miracles to happen, I am by no means on my last hope.  Every good thing must come to an end, even not so good things too!  While the show closing brought many emotions I had to realize that it was not my last show.  I have many more years to come in the theater and am looking forward to those; however I need a new version of me to experience them.  Since the show has been over I have been thinking a lot clearer on many things.  I have decided that I cannot wait for miracles to change me; I have to make the changes myself.  In the last two weeks I have decided to eat healthier and get a lot more exercise because I have big dreams and goals to accomplish this year!  I have approached the whole thing in a totally different way this time and it appears to be working so far!  I am way excited about it and will do posts on my continued success.

We believed in heaven, we believed in angels
With arms of purest white
To hold us, catch us when we fall

I do believe in Heaven and Angels, in fact they are all around us.  To me, Heaven is remembering to be thankful for everything I do have and not worry so much about the things I am not in control over. The feeling that comes from that can be like heaven!  Angels are all of my friends who support me even when I tend to forget that they do.  Apparently I’ve been tripping and falling for some time and all the while they were there catching me and holding me when I need it.  If it hadn’t have been for my friends after the show, who really cared about what was wrong, I could still be lost among the torrid emotions that engulfed me so deep.  Friends will always be there for you when you need them!  It is through this whole process that I believe I am on my way to becoming a better me!  Friends inspire you, comfort you, help you and love you no matter what.  I need to remember that a bit more often.

Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

As the David Bowie song says, time may change me, however I can have some control over it and how I react to it.  Change is perfectly natural and happens more often than you can count, sometimes we may not even realize something has changed.  Change can be both good and bad; sometimes it may not even make a difference to certain people.  Change isn’t always something we like happening, yet it happens anyway and we can either go along peacefully or kicking and screaming the entire way.  Somewhere in the middle is probably where I belong.

The whole reason I am writing this post, stems from something a character in my soap opera, Days of our Lives, said.  Rolf (an evil scientist turned butler) said, “We may not be able to change the past but we can control the future.”  That statement struck me and I quickly grabbed a pen and paper to write it down as best I could from memory, then the light bulb went on and I realized the show was on my DVR so I could REWIND IT!  Anyway, lately I have come to realize that while change can be good and bad, you have to accept that it’s going to happen before it can do you any good.  I’m struggling with a few things right now that are pretty major to my life.  I’m trying to lose weight and trying to train for a bike-a-thon in August.  While they have a lot to do with each other, I have trouble remembering that they are two separate entities. 

I have struggled with weight issues since I was young, I’d say for probably at least 2/3 of my life and I’m only 30 years old.  I was always the chubby kid in school and while got teased for it, I never understood why.  I didn’t see myself as fat; I wasn’t the only chubby kid, but never-the-less I got teased for it.  In Junior High School my mom offered to help me try to lose some weight, I agreed and tried my hardest.  I do remember getting grounded once by my dad for not losing 5 pounds in a week, I was disappointed in not only myself but the fact that I had let down my parents.  I didn’t try real hard after that to say the least.  Fast forward to 3 years ago, after countless other methods had been tried, when my doctor gave me some suggestions on how to go about eating better and losing weight.  The guidelines were simple and I did really well at it, for a while.  Eventually I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted and slowly gave up.  Of course I gained some back, not all, but some.  This past fall I was again approached by the doctor and it was suggested that I have a goal to work towards that would help keep me focused on working on losing the weight.  After other ideas failed, I finally found something that I wanted to try, a bike-a-thon.

A bike-a-thon, riding my bike (which I like to do) for an extraordinary amount of miles.  At first I had doubts but after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that I could do this.  I was already working towards it by going to the gym, granted it was sporadic mostly but the desire was there.  As time went on I developed a training schedule in my head of what I was going to do and when.  The problem was putting the plan into motion.  Again I was not seeing the results I wanted and therefore was slowly fading away from it.

That is my problem.  I set these goals for changes in my life and when something, no matter how small or really insignificant, comes along to derail those, I give up.  Is it because change scares me, maybe.  Is it because I don’t know how to execute the changes, it’s possible.  Maybe it’s because I don’t know if it’s a good change or a bad one.  Maybe I am scared of actually accomplishing a goal, because I have never really set goals before.  I am still not exactly sure what is going on but the light bulb is starting to flicker on. 

I have been reading posts lately that seem to be directed at me, while I may not even know the blogger!  Between those extremely inspirational posts, the ones that make me think, and talking to friends, I have now come to the following conclusions.  First, while the ultimate goals are to lose weight and actually do the bike-a-thon, I have learned that in order to get to those goals and complete them, I need to set some more goals.  Instead of focusing on the 20, 43, or 63 miles that I could do in the bike-a-thon, I need to set smaller goals for myself on a week to week basis.  I need to start out by setting a goal of 5 miles in a weekend and after I accomplish that goal then I can add to it, go to 10, then maybe 13 or 15.  Gradually work up to the 20 and 43 mile bike rides.  The same goes for losing the weight.  I shouldn’t look at the final number I’m reaching for; I need to focus on what I can do in a week and aim for accomplishing that.  I need to look at the food plan that has been created for me and figure out, week by week, or even day by day, what I can do to stick with it.  After that, then I can go week by week and see pound by pound come off.  These little changes can have a big effect on me and ultimately get me to my big goals down the road, and by doing the changes slowly, it won’t be a shock to my system and I’ll have a better chance of sticking with them and therefore having the changes become not only beneficial but successes.

Of course there is the “I Don’t Want To Because” or “I Can’t because” or “I Would But” demons out there.  I have to learn that it is ok to not do something once in a while.  I can skip going to the gym or riding my bike, but I have to own it.  I can’t give it a reason, I just need to stay I don’t want to and keep it at that.  As soon as I put a reason, it becomes a cop out.  I can take breaks if I want to.  Ultimately I’m the one who decides if I do or don’t want to do things, no one else can decide for me, no one else can do it for me, I’m on my own in that department.  However, I do and will need support from people.  For the days when I slip up and forget that I am in control.  I know in my heart that I can’t change the past, but I sure as hell can control my future. 

It’s time to take bites instead of trying to swallow the whole apple at once!  I need to start thinking and not just assume that everything will take care of itself.  I am no longer afraid to make the changes, I am not afraid of the changes.  As Wendi Kelly pointed out, it’s a good thing to say you can and will, but it’s also important that you believe.  I now believe with all my heart that I can accomplish these goals I have set for myself.  It may take time, endurance, persistence, even some pain but I will achieve my goals!  I won’t say that I don’t need help, I’ll take all the help I can get, but believing is a big part of it.  I will own it, I will do it!

For the first time in I don’t know how long, if ever, I actually have a goal that I am working towards and actually have high hopes of accomplishing it!  I honestly don’t know if I have ever set a goal like this and actually believed I would be able to get it done.  I have flippantly set goals and never really followed through on any of them, I never had the confidence that I’d actually get to them.  This time is different, I don’t know why but it feels different.

I can’t believe I am going to admit this here but, I feel like I have to in order to have people understand where I am coming from.  I have been overweight pretty much most of my life.  In Jr. High my mom tried helping me lose a few pounds and it worked for a while, but when I got grounded from going to a school dance because I didn’t lose 5 pounds in a week by my father, I pretty much gave up.  I still tried but I didn’t have the desire anymore.  I have tried other things, other diets over the years and between the things I felt I was giving up and still not having the complete desire to do it, I failed at several attempts.  Three years ago I tried hypnosis to do it and ended up wasting an exorbitant amount of money on it, which I now regret. 

I have been seeing a psychologist for the last 4 years or so and 2 years ago we started to focus on my weight.  He threw a few suggestions at me to try and I did.  I have to admit they were simple and easy to stick to.  It seemed to work, I lost 22 pounds in about 6 months.  I was ecstatic, it had been a long time since I had any success like that, however the success didn’t last long as I started slacking on things and eventually gained half of that 22 pounds back.  It was time to re-focus.

I joined a gym at the end of December last year in an attempt to re-vamp my weight loss goal.  I got back on track with the original plan that had worked before and was now ready to see major results.  Well the results weren’t major, they were almost non-existent.  It was explained to me that I needed to re-focus yet again, but I wasn’t too far off the path at this point.  I needed to have a goal to work towards, something that would make all the time and energy in losing weight worth it.  A Triathlon was suggested, while I didn’t know lots of details, I agreed and even looked them up on line, found one that I thought was reasonable to do and started from there.  However no matter how I tried, I could never get that excited about the triathlon.  I love swimming, but I do not swim like I would need to in order to compete in something like that, I like riding my bike, but was skeptical about doing that along with the swimming and running.  I just plain hate running, always has and probably always will.  That was one part of it I was having trouble getting past.

This coupled with the whole foot injury and setback was not getting me towards my goal.  I decided to do some research online and see what else I found that was just swimming or biking or a combo of both.  I couldn’t find a combo but I did find several bike-a-thons in the near vicinity.  I thought about it for a day and did some more research to find some in the area that were attainable.  Most I had found were happening within a few weeks or month of when I found them; I was in and still am not in any shape to do one yet.  However after searching, I found one in August that made me almost giddy with excitement.  It has a choice of 20 miles, 43 miles or 60 miles.  I already have decided that I am going to aim for the 43 or 63.  I have already worked out a game plan, that I am sure I will revise several times but I am learning that it’s ok to re-organize and re-focus things, especially goals.  If all goes well, I will be pedaling my heart out on Sunday August 10th in Dekalb IL and for the first time, achieving a goal I set for myself. 

Someone once told me that in order to help hold myself accountable, that I needed to tell as many people as I can.  If I tell them, not only will I get their support, I can only hope, but I will also stick to the path towards the goal so that I don’t let everyone down.  Of course the one person I am most worried about letting down is myself, which is why I have worked out a reward for myself if I complete the bike-a-thon, a reward that I hope keeps me focused!!  So not only am I going to be telling my friends and family about doing this bike-a-thon, I have just told anyone and everyone in the world of blogging!!  Hopefully it will give me the kick in the pants I need to stick to and accomplish this goal this time!  This time, this goal is different than any other goal I’ve set before, they were usually half-hearted, and this one has my whole heart in it and is actually giving me confidence already!  So hopefully I will be able to give good updates every once in a while on here so people can track my progress if they want!  I’ll take ANY support I can get!!

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