Random Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘tears

“I tried all night not to break down and cry
As the tears rolled down my face
I felt so cold and empty
Like a lost soul out of place
And the mirror, mirror on the wall
Sees my smile it fades again
And give me something to believe in”

Lyrics to Poison’s “Something to believe in”

A lost soul, I guess you could say that is what I’ve been feeling like lately.  I hope everyone who regularly, at least as regularly as I post, read this can forgive me for not writing in so long.  I’ve been wanting to write, I just haven’t been able to do it.  Nothing in my head wants to come out on to the screen for all to read!  That being said I apologize for what may come out now…

Have you ever felt like this?  Like you were cold and empty, your smile fading away?  It’s a scary thought and an even scarier place to be.  Sometimes I feel like I spend some nights fighting to not lose it and cry at things, especially when I have no control over them.  The last time I felt like this was almost two weeks ago, the week of my birthday.  Now I have a small group of close friends, those whom you’d do anything for and vice versa.  However this year I didn’t even get a Happy Birthday text from two of them.  This is the second year they have forgotten about my birthday, last year I thought it was just a fluke due to another party that was thrown and I was ok with that, but this year, there was nothing else going on.  This makes me sad, I had most all of my “facebook” friends wish me a happy brithday, people I haven’t seen in years, but not from two of my closest friends.  I just don’t know how to deal with that.  I kind of did feel cold and empty, even if Ican’t get together with friends, I at least try to send them a text, or call them or e-mail…SOMETHING! 

My smile has been fading for a long time now and that pretty much put me over the edge of where I am comfortable.   Right now I am even afraid of being too honest here and creating trouble for myself.  Maybe I’ll try this again in a week or so, it just isn’t working right now.  I’m sorry.


Posted on: October 9, 2008

“…you know I haven’t always been this way.
I’ve had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn’t do…
…Lookin’ at me now, you might not know it
But I’ve had my moments”
Lyrics from Emerson Drive’s song Moments

If you can make it through the video for this song and not get tears in your eyes, then you obviously do not get the meaning of it.  Being the music fan that I am, I have heard countless sappy songs that were heartfelt and brimming with emotion, there is definitely not a shortage.  This song however struck a major chord within me when I heard it the first time.  It pulled at all the emotional strings it could find and made me aware of so many things I don’t think I could even list them here.

To me, this song is about two people who are nothing alike and at the same time are exactly alike.  Both people may have had completely different lives but yet something joins them on an emotional level that so many people can’t even begin to understand.  In the song one person is about to end their life and a complete stranger steps in and convinces them not to.  That is the obvious message, but what about the age old adage of not judging a book by its cover?  Many times you see someone and you already have preconceived notions before you even speak to them.  Admit it; I know I have done it, several times in fact.  Unfortunately it’s a part of human nature.  You can look at a hundred different people and make judgments on them based on how they look or what they happen to be doing at the time, but you don’t have a clue as to who that person is and what they are all about. 

How many times have you been quick to judge someone based on something that is truly irrelevant only to find that the person was the complete opposite?  I can see how this could happen with people who are diagnosed with depression.  Part of what makes them depressed is the fact that they know they weren’t always this way; they used to have happy lives and things they looked forward to.  I’ve been there when I have said to myself, “this isn’t who I am, I am not like this, I used to be happy, what happened?”  How horrible a feeling it must be for someone to be judged by a complete stranger just because they are depressed.   You don’t know if the grumpy old man on the bus has just lost his wife of 50+ years, or if the young girl in the park was diagnosed with incurable cancer.  

Sometimes all it takes is a little compassion for these people and a kind word to let them know they are still valued and needed.  Don’t you want to feel valued?  Can you remember a time when you were unfairly judged by someone?  Did it make you mad because you knew that they didn’t know the whole story?  For those who deal with depression it hurts them when they know they haven’t always been that way, they have been award winners, moms, friends, or even popular.  Next time you see someone and are quick to make a judgment about them, stop and think, what made them this way, what’s their story?  You never know when a kind word will save a person.

Words are few
I have spoken
I could waste a thousand years
Wrapped in sorrow
Words are token
Come inside and catch my tears
Do you really want to hurt me
Do you really want to make me cry
Lyrics from Culture Club’s song “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”

Why is it so easy to hurt someone and not even know it?  Why is it so easy to be hurt when you know they don’t know they are doing it?  Why do people pretend that they are not hurting when it’s easy to see on their face?  Why can’t some people see how much others are hurting?  Why is it always the people you least expect that hurt you the most?  Why is it that those you think should know, see or feel that you are hurting, don’t?  If I had the answers to these questions I’d be making more money than Dr. Phil.  However these kinds of things have been happening to me lately and it is starting to really bother me.  These things aren’t easy to admit, it’s never easy to admit that you are hurting. 

It seems like lately some people have just… drifted away.  People I have counted on to be there for me before and now it seems like everyone else has their focus on something else and no time for me.  I have always thought of my friends as very special people and put them on the highest pedestals.  I have always held them in high regard, especially the closest ones, of which there aren’t many.  I would give my life for any one of them, be there for them in an instant, NO MATTER WHAT!  I have always thought that the road went both ways, and for the most part it did.  However lately, when I have needed a friend or two, no one was there.  Needless to say it didn’t help the situation to have no one to turn to, to have no one who seemed to care, it HURTS A LOT!  I’m not mad at them and I am trying to understand that they have other obligations and responsibilities, but so do I.  I am still willing to make time for my friends and will continue to do so forever.  I cherish my friends more than most anything else in my life, without my friends I would be lost.

I know things change and that friendships evolve to different levels, but I am feeling left out.  I try and try and try again to reach out and communicate to my friends but it is not an easy thing to wait and wait and wait for a response.  All I want is for people to take notice that I am still here and still willing and able to be a friend.  I’m almost afraid that somehow I will get left behind still waiting for things to go back to the way they were.  I know that it is improbable but I’d at least like to have something to look forward to.  I have put in so much effort to stay connected to friends but in my mind it doesn’t seem to be working. 

All I really want is the support of my friends, or at least know that it’s still there.  Some of my friends don’t even know that I am planning on riding in a bike-a-thon in August.  I am terrified to do it, but believe that if I have the support of my friends and family then I will be able to accomplish it.  I need all the support I can get but don’t know how to find it if friends aren’t even talking to me.  As far as I know I haven’t done anything to upset anyone, but if I have I just wish they would tell me so I could work on fixing it or at least work on being able to move past it.  My one hope in all this is that I haven’t been too reliant on my friends and in part scared them all away. That is the last thing I have ever wanted to do. 

I know that as you grow up things change, priorities change, responsibility changes and it happens to everyone, whether you want it to or not.  I just know that despite these things happening, friendships can withstand all of it if both parties are willing to try.  I am completely wiling to try if only they would agree to try with me.  I hate the unknown factor in all of this; I know how my heart feels, I know how much I care, and I know how many tears I have cried over this.  I miss my friends terribly and am willing to do whatever it takes to work on these relationships.  I love my friends more than words can express and I just hope they know it and can feel it!  I don’t want this to sound like a pity party, but I miss the fun I used to have with my friends and would like to get it back!

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